Turmoil of Torn Souls
by Dancing Dusk
Summary: As emotions hit their peaks, the time for the final battle sneaks up upon them. Angsty, Introspective Rated for future violence.


Warning: Possible spoilers for up to episode #151 (Kagome's Instinctive Choice) and the first two Inuyasha movies.

_Italics_ – flashbacks

"…" – dialogue

'…' – thoughts

**The Turmoil of Torn Souls**

The ghostly white serpentine bodies of Kikyou's shinidamachuu weaved through the aged and gnarled branches of the ancient trees that surrounded them. In their feeler-like clutches they carried the souls of the deceased… the souls that did not manage to arrive in the afterlife before being caught and taken to the one place where they could not control how long they would be stuck in a waking-dead limbo. Even the souls that had no regrets and were ready to cross over couldn't escape since they were caught before the spirits that lead souls to the afterlife had come to claim them.

Kikyou watched as her minions flew by her, releasing their captives, and then circled around to find more. With each soul she knew she damned herself a little more. It was wrong to keep the souls from crossing over, but without the souls to sustain her, she could not continue. She could not accomplish her goal. But still, it gave her a sick feeling that amplified every time she had to take in more souls. Each soul held within it emotions and memories that she had to partake in whenever she trapped them inside her makeshift body. Some memories were happy and joyous—memories of simple things like receiving a gift from a family member or being able to help someone. Such memories warmed her own spirit, keeping her from tumbling into the dark, tainted void that sought her with every waking step. Other memories, however, were sad and somber—memories of attacks on their villages or the deaths of loved ones. These memories cancelled out most of the happy ones, sadly, leaving her with a more often-than-not feeling of despair and a morbid, but true, disposition. Even some memories that were happy—she could feel the emotion associated with it from the soul—made her heart ache with melancholy. These memories—mostly of young people with their lovers—brought her more pain than others, and they held the most sway over her mind. They really hit home and almost made her weak with regret.

She now knew why mikos were supposed to remain alone—supposed to stay away from potential heartache and guard their hearts from men. Her own sensei had taught her to never stray from her miko responsibilities, to appear emotionless to the world; and for a long time, she had. She spent several lonesome years fighting demons, healing the sick, and protecting the innocent. Saying that her life was unexciting would not be accurate—she rarely had an uneventful day. Her life was just… not as fulfilling as she would've liked. Even though she was revered as a powerful miko, there was always something missing… even before the demon slayers had placed the Shikon no Tama in her protection. Though the Shikon changed many things, she still felt as if she was missing something… until him.

"Inuyasha…" she was barely aware she had spoken his name aloud. She leaned against a large tree and slowly slipped to the forest floor. "I-I… I still remember everything." She tilted her head towards the ground, her bangs shading her glossy eyes from the outside world. She could never show tears of sorrow or remorse—the only tears allowed to her were tears of fury. Yet, even as she repeated this in her mind, she felt a lone tear overflow from her lower eyelid and trail down her cheek only to drip onto her bent knee. Reflexively, she lifted a hand to feel her cheek and then looked back at it. She could see the glistening, slightly wet texture on her fingers as she recalled exactly how she had felt, exactly what she had thought during that meeting.

_Thud._

_I pulled the string of my longbow taunt and aimed at the creature I had pinned to a tree. Taking aim at his heart, that's when I felt it—hesitance. Glancing up at his face, I noticed he was not a mindless youkai. In fact, he wasn't a youkai at all. He was a hanyou. Immediately, I know I felt pity and even more hesitance. I knew exactly why he had sought me out, and I couldn't blame him. He wanted the Shikon jewel, and I had no doubt he would wish to be a full youkai, but I found myself unable to condemn him for it. That's when I realized we weren't so different. We were both alone, unable to connect with others. Unlike him, however, I was accepted—I had a place, albeit an unsatisfying one. When my eyes connected with his shocked and somewhat angry eyes, I felt my resolution waver, and finally, I gave in. I returned my arrow to its place, and turned, walking away. For the first time, I had let someone who purposely sought out the Shikon's power live._

"_Do not return here. Do not seek the Shikon ever again."_

'That was the first action of many that sealed my fate,' Kikyou thought sadly. 'Sometimes I wish I had took the shot without thinking. Naraku would not have tricked me and I would not have experienced the feelings associated with betrayal… but another part of me doesn't regret it. Inuyasha was what was missing… if only the completion of my life hadn't destroyed my life as well. If only Inuyasha had headed my words, we both would have avoided another depressing part of life.'

"_Inuyasha… Come sit with me."_

_He jumped from his perch in a tree and hesitantly made his way near me, keeping his eyes on me the whole time. We spoke only a little before I returned to the village._

'For the first time I felt as if I could truly be myself… and it was because of him, because I thought that he would understand…'

_We were on opposite ends of a small wooden boat. Lazily, I traced my fingers through the cool, clear water of the lake as Inuyasha pushed us along with a long, sturdy pole. Neither of us broke the comfortable silence between us, and with an almost sad ache that our moment was over, the boat slowed and stopped next to the dock. Inuyasha climbed out, and turned to wait for me. As I stepped off the boat my sandal caught on the edge of a board and sent me falling forward into a strong chest. Strangely, I didn't feel as if I could move away, nor did I want to. I felt something I had never known when his arms wrapped around me and held me close._

'Inuyasha made me feel like I was no longer alone, that I was special… that I was… loved.'

_I sighed and rolled over in my futon covers. Sleep continued to evade me as I tried to close out the world, but my mind was wide-awake. Quietly, I crawled out from under my covers and peered at my reflection in a small hand-held mirror. Casting a few furtive glances around, I pulled out a small canister and opened it. I dipped a single finger into the contents, and looked back in the mirror. Hesitantly, I ran my finger across my lips, painting them a bright cherry red, before continuing to just look at my reflection._

'I wanted to be normal… I wanted to be pretty… for him. If Inuyasha had headed my words… I would have never felt any of that… neither would he.'

The memories of the souls she continued to consume always lead her thoughts here, and usually, she could file the away, but they still came once more. Why then did she continue to take them? Because she had a duty… even in death, she had a duty.

* * *

"Kikyou…" Inuyasha's quiet exclamation caught Kagome's attention. Glancing toward Inuyasha, she followed his gaze until her own eyes were taking in the appearance of Kikyou's shinidamachuu.

My heart plummeted. 'He—he wants to go to her. I know he does… I bet he doesn't even know he said her name out loud again.' Kagome watched as different emotions crossed Inuyasha's eyes. Though his face was more of a mix of slight shock and want many other emotions were evident in his molten gaze—fear, anxiety, confusion, determination, regret, and… boundless love.

A familiar pain enveloped me as I once again was forced to realize that Inuyasha's love for Kikyou outweighed any commitment he felt to me. Even though he had basically told me so long ago, it still hurt to see it was true… so true that he couldn't even help but show it. I put on a fake smile, and turned to him.

"Go on."

"What?" he turned to look at me with startled eyes.

"I know you can see Kikyou's shinidamachuu; I can see them, too. I understand… You should go on and see Kikyou. You don't know when you'll see her again."

My voice sounded hollow to even myself, but Inuyasha didn't seem to notice. He gave a slight inclination of his head before he took off after the shinidamachuu. Miroku and Sango, however, had noticed and I could feel their sad stares in my direction.

"I guess we should wait for him to come back," I sat down on a boulder facing away from them and propped my chin on my knees. They were silent, and I had no intention of trying to speak with them at the moment.

'I-I… He… He didn't even say good-bye or look back. I didn't think he would go. I thought he would do like he did that one time at the falls… I thought he would stay even if I told him to go on and see her…' My breathing was quiet and normal even as silent tears began to roll down my cheeks. There was no feeling of betrayal, not like after the first time. It wasn't betrayal because he wasn't mine… but it still hurt.

_I was being held against a tree by the shinidamachuu, and I struggled to get free. I forgot what I was doing when Inuyasha burst into the clearing. They neared each other, and the only thing I remember was them kissing. My first reaction was being horrified._

"_I don't want to see this! If you two want to be alone, fine! Let me go and I'll leave!"_

_Then a fiery glow encircled them and Kikyou began to drag Inuyasha to Hell. That's when I realized that Inuyasha was unconscious._

'Even after that, he still loved her… In fact, he wasn't at all wary of her or her intentions. I don't think he cared that she was going to drag him to Hell with her. He… he just wanted to be with Kikyou. He never promised his heart to me… I knew he never would even when I promised to never leave his side… that I would be content to merely be near him… but I was wrong. I thought if he heard me make a commitment first, he would see that I want to always be near him, but he just accepted my promise and gave me another promise I didn't want to hear. I didn't want him to promise to always protect me… I wanted him to promise to stay with me like I had promised to stay with him. It was selfish of me, I know, but I still had wanted it.

'This pain fades after a little while, because I am content to be near him, but only until Kikyou is near… then it feels like I can't handle it… like my chest is going to implode and I'll never be able to do anything again. I always get this horrible feeling anytime I see her, because I know Inuyasha will go to her… I know Inuyasha always thinks of her.'

'I've never felt such jealousy over anything until Kikyou. She holds Inuyasha's undying love, yet she won't return it. I offer my love, and he won't return it.'

'I didn't want him to choose her. I wanted him to choose me… but I know he made his choice a long time ago. Still, I always harbored the hope that he would change his mind and choose me… that he would want me as much I want him… That he would love me as much as I love him.' About the time this thought ran through my mind I could feel myself begin to sob. They weren't loud, but my companions heard them and I felt Sango enclose me in a sisterly hug, offering what comfort she could, but it was not the same. Her arms, while strong and slightly muscled, where not the arms that could give me comfort. Unfortunately, the arms that could comfort me were also the cause of my pain. The first embrace given me by them was bittersweet.

_He pulled me close, wrapping me in his warmth. I could feel my cheeks burn. "Inuyasha…?"_

"_Kagome… I was so afraid I was going to lose you… But I'll make sure that never happens." He pushed me backwards quickly and I was startled again. My lower legs hit the rim of the well, and losing my balance, I tumbled down the well entrance._

"_Go back to your own time, Kagome!"_

_I was just getting ready to go back through the well and sit him when I realized I could pass through… he had taken my jewel shards._

'He pulled me close to get my jewel shards so I wouldn't be able to come back… not because he wanted to hold me.' This only made me feel worse, but my tears had dried and had not resurfaced.

'I was supposed to lead a normal life in my time… not travel back and forth in time trying to balance two separate ones. I was supposed to finish school with my friends, have crushes on human boys, date, and eventually get married. I never meant to break the Shikon no Tama! I never meant to fall in love with him! I never meant for all of this… but it's the way things are, and I can't change them. I wouldn't even if I could, because… I liked meeting Miroku and Sango and Shippou and all the others we've met on our journey, I liked meeting and getting to know Inuyasha, and… Inuyasha doesn't love me…'

"He loves… Kikyou." I was aware that I had voiced that thought once it left my lips. Hearing myself say it made it final, absolute. This was the line I could not pass. I could never make Inuyasha love me—and I no longer wanted to. I would always be second best. I would always remind him of Kikyou if he could not have her… and it would still break my heart. I would know that he wanted her, and he had settled for me… I didn't want him to settle for me. I would rather know he was happy and truly in love with someone else than always question his love with me.

I noticed Sango and Miroku looking at me, and I looked back. Why were they staring at me like that?

"What?" My voice was genuinely curious, and momentarily I forgot my heartache. It was quick to fade these days… Three years, nearly four considering my birthday was in a few days, of traveling with them gave me a certain familiarity with this forte of pain.

"Well—I was going to say something, but what you said—the way you said it… You didn't sound as… sad as I thought you were. You sounded more resolved than anything, and then… well, I'm not sure. I must have been seeing things," Sango's voice sounded awkward and uncertain, and I turned my confused glance at Miroku.

"What did you see?"

Miroku ran his fingers through his hair, "I don't know exactly, Kagome-sama… it looked like you were glowing, and I felt… a pure power emanating from you. It was your energy, but it was stronger… it's weird that you can remain so honest and pure even when you feel…" he trailed off, not sure how much he should say.

I gave them a sad but promising smile. "I guess I've just finally accepted it… I… understand." I sighed quietly, and allowed my eyelids to slide shut lightly as I placed my chin back on my up drawn knees. I just kept them closed for a few moments, enjoying the nothingness, before opening my eyes again. 'I understand that he still loves Kikyou the way I always loved him.'

* * *

'I care for them both. They're alike in some ways, but different in others, but they both accept me as I am. They both gave me a chance. I want to protect them both.'

"_Aren't you going to go and see Kikyou, Inuyasha?" Sango asked him._

"_I can't leave with Kagome like this."_

"_So, if Kagome just smiled and said it was alright, you'd go?" Sango glared at him._

_There was no reply._

'Sango knew I would… even though I wasn't sure myself, Sango knew… I'm horrible. I know I am, but I can't pass up the opportunity to see Kikyou. As much as I hate to see Kagome upset, I just can't. I can't give up on Kikyou, and I won't…'

I sprinted through the forest, maneuvering through the trees. My claws dug into the earth each time my bare feet made contact with the forest floor as I ran. I kept the shinidamachuu directly in my line of vision, making sure not to lose them as they crept through the tree branches. The only noise they made was the sound of air as they made an occasional _swoosh_ towards the ground before coiling back up into the air.

I found my mind relatively blank as I raced towards her. I knew I should be thinking of what I was going to say to Kikyou… or how I would answer everyone's questions when I returned, but I simply couldn't. I had no idea what I would say to her when I reached her. I don't know what I wanted to say to her, either. I had no reason for going to her other than I wanted to… I wanted to see her, even as much as I knew it hurt Kagome.

Yes, I knew it hurt her every time I left, and I know that even though she never said it, she didn't want me to go. Even when she told me she understood moments ago, I couldn't help be feel that she was asking me not to. Still… I went anyway. I don't know if I will regret it after I return, but I know… that any time I have the chance, any time I have a clue where Kikyou is… I will want to go and see her. Hold her.

'I know that she doesn't have a living body, but she's still the same Kikyou… no matter what anyone says, I know she's the same Kikyou I knew. No one else talked with her, no one else knew her… not like I did. I know she's the same. I can never let her go, even if I try. I can't just stop loving her… I can't stop missing her, and I can never forget her.'

That was the last thought I had as I neared my destination. I could smell Kikyou ahead. The scent of bones and grave soil gave me a sick feeling. Every time it entered my senses it reminded me of my failure—my failure to protect her long ago. I couldn't fail her again… it would be the death of me.

As I stepped into a very small clearing, I could see her, reclining against a tree. I could smell the faint scent of salt and my stomach lurched. Her head was bent, and I could not see her face.

'Someone's hurt her—she's been—she never—when I find out who it was, I'll make them regret it!' he thought viciously. Whoever made her cry would pay. The only time he had ever seen her cry was right after the doll-building witch had revived her, when the sight of him was the cause of her tears.

_A cruel, laughing shriek echoed as Urasue called, "As payment for your renewed life, you shall serve me well! Show your loyalty, and come here."_

_Kikyou walked slowly towards the witch. Stumbling, she caught herself by clutching the witches clothing. _

"_Yes, obey me!" she cackled once more. Her laughter was abruptly cut short when Kikyou sent waves of purification through her. She caught fire, and pulling away, fell to the ground, this time shrieking in pain._

_Kikyou turned slowly, and saw Inuyasha. Her face contorted into fury. Blood seeped through her clothing and dripped from her limp arm. Her eyes glistened and slowly, tears gathered in her eyes._

"_How can you still live? I shot you with my arrow! Why did you betray me, Inuyasha?" she had yelled the last question, squeezing her eyes shut, tears rolling down her cheeks._

'I blame you, Naraku. This is your fault!'

* * *

**Author note:** This will probably end up being a two or three part fic. It won't end as a Kagome/Inuyasha (sorry people; you should know by now I never write that couple). If anything, it'll end up being slight, SLIGHT Kagome/Sesshoumaru at the end. I'm not sure, however. 


End file.
